Out with the old and in with the new?

I never write more than one or two days at a time. I can't seem to get in the groove of writing, although, I really enjoy the therapeutic benefits of writing about life, and all it's messiness. I sometimes go back and read various posts, and it's so weird to think about where I was and what I was thinking. It's also weird to have posts about an ex husband, who at one time, I loved. Do I stay in the same place, and keep life going on this same blog? Especially now with a new man on campus? I've debated it more than I care to admit, but truly. This is me. This is my life. It was natural to leave the scene of the crime. But I'm starting to feel like it's time to return to the healthier, happier version. I wish I could say life is all peaches and cream, but it isn't. Right now, I have one wish, one prayer, one thing I'm trying to do, and that is to be like Christ in one attribute. That attribute is "Full of Love". I have this terrible flaw of assuming the worst, and not trusting. Even at Panera when it was my turn to order, and the check out lady, literally did not look at us, turned her back, and didn't serve us. I stood there with my hands up like, what just happened... we waited a few minutes for the next person to serve us. I let that one moment ruin an entire meal (in fact, I still am hot thinking about it), I got so fired up. Is that what the Savior, who is full of love, would do? He wouldn't have thought about it for even a half a second. Love for all. I had to set a timeframe for my goal, and at first I was thinking one month I would work on this attribute. After about three days, I realized, this was going to be a doozy. I decided April 23, 2016 is my deadline, to meet my goal of having the Christlike attribute of "full of love". Seriously, this is going to take work people. Hard work.

Life is complicated.

A sister in our ward was recently diagnosed with cancer. It reminded me of when I lived in Muncie and I was going to college. A sister that worked with the youth closely received a similar diagnosis. Within six months she was gone. I was a young, bright eyed college kid. I didn't know much, but I went to see her hours before she died. She was beautiful, surrounded by family. I met the future father of my children in her living room. That was a long time ago. Hearing this other sister's testimony today, was poignant and powerful. She's brave and gorgeous and quirky. I love her. She has done wonders for my son. And today my two children fasted for the first time, while thinking of her. Life is hard. and beautiful. and complicated.

To my Mormon Daughters,

Hallie, Laila, and Charlotte,

I have no idea what the future holds for you as Mormon women that belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. But, right now, there is quite a stir among Mormon women, thanks to one woman in particular, Kate Kelly. She has started a movement to get women ordained to the Priesthood, because she feels like there is inequality in the church. Because she so fervently preached this message, and then recruited others to follow her, she was excommunicated for her choices, which means she lost precious blessings that had been bestowed upon her. There were many people that felt this was an inappropriate conclusion, or were disappointed, or saddened by the decision. Other women have come out to express their opinions. And it seems that only those that agree with this woman are considered brave. I, disagree. I want you to know what I think is brave, and courageous.

As your mother, I know you better than almost everyone. I know your scars, wounds, joys, celebrations, and sorrows. I would like to think I know what's best for you, and in most cases I probably have a good idea. But, there is another that knows you better than I, and that is your Savior, Jesus Christ. He knows you, He loves you.  He has carried you far longer than I have. He is the person you need to turn for peace. He is the person you should emulate, He is your salvation. I don't know why your Heavenly Father chose His Son, but He did, His boy. I don't understand all that God offers, but I am absolutely trying to feel the atoning power in my life. Without this healing balm, I would be nothing. And so as Daughters of God, I want you to celebrate your gender, and understand the divine role you play in administering in the Kingdom of God. But, as a word of caution, the world is going need brave women. Women who stand with Christ. I dare you, girls, to always seek first the Kingdom of God, be brave, and do hard things, even when you might feel unsure, insecure, or alone. Our Father in Heaven needs you, His Son needs you. Have faith in Him, He will not lead you astray.

I love you.

Love,

Mama

Writing Workshop

I've loved reading and writing this summer. I feel like writing every day, even if it isn't very good, is like "exercising a muscle" Gigi Amateau said that when she came to my writing class. I loved that. Sometimes we write to write. It's just practice. You never know what you might learn when it starts to come out.

This class.

I'm in summer school. I've been in summer school now for two summers. I graduate from college in May. Yes this coming May. It feels surreal to say that.

I went back to school so that 1) I could be more on top of what's current in education and 2) to earn more money as an educator to support my kids on my own.

These two reasons keep me going. But seriously, this summer class has put me over the edge. It makes me want to be a college professor that runs reading clinics. Because here is an amazing opportunity for kids and schools to participate in, and yet, this professor was such a let down, that I thought every single day... get me out of here!!!!!!!!!

Seriously, THE. LONGEST. SUMMER. EVER.

What could I do to salvage the rest of it? That's my question.

Thankful.

In light of all the Hobby Lobby drama, I was reminded of a conversation I had with a doctor.

I was looking at a variety of birth control methods, and thought an IUD would be a good option, mainly because of the length of time it could be used for.

Upon further conversation with my doctor she realized what religion I was. She said, "I don't think your religion would approve the IUD." And I was confused, because my religion doesn't actually have a do or don't list of contraceptives, at least, that I'm aware of! But she further explained how the IUD worked. I realized that, wow, this isn't preventing pregnancy, it's preventing implantation. After I was educated about what it was, I made my own decision to not go with the IUD.

I kind of forgot about this, until recently, and realized I'm grateful for doctors that take the time to get to know their patients, and respect their beliefs. I'm sure this isn't the norm, but I think I will keep my doctor.

As far as Hobby Lobby goes, good for them.

Conflict

Teacher.

          Mother.

Books for kids.

          Books for MY kids.

Literature with values.

          Literature with MY values.

Learning from texts.

          Learning WHAT from texts?

Tales that tell.

          Tales that tell TOO MUCH.

Stories for change.

          NO change. Stories for understanding?

Controlled.

          Conflicted.